Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The man with the pork-n-beans.

"The man with the pork-n-beans will give us directions!"

We were headed to Virginia for my niece's wedding.  My Sister was driving.  Her husband was in the front seat.  Mother and I were in the back seat.  For the entire eight hours, Mother was anxious and fearful.  She asked the same questions over and over.

"Are we there yet?"
"How much longer?"
"Are we there yet?"
"How do you know the way?"
"Are we lost?"
"How much longer?"
"Are we there yet?"

These questions kept coming...... like a tennis ball machine, one after another. 

Then it happened.

“Stop the car!!!” she shouted.  “That man with the pork-n-beans can help us!  He’s right back there at the exit!” At this point.  Our collective response was "HUH???"  NONE of us were prepared (in our wildest dreams) for this one.   

“I told you to STOP THE CAR!” she shouted.  “The man with the pork-n-beans can help us.  He’s right back there!”

Had she possibly seen Jay Busch the real PORK-N-BEAN man?  My sister was laughing so hard she was swerving.  Her husband couldn’t stop laughing.  In the 25 years I've known him, I've never seen him laugh so hard.

Mother started praying....

“O LORD, please help us get there!  We need some directions, please help us!!!"

Mother was past the point of crazy.  I decided that the only thing left to do was to include my brother in this fiasco.  Maybe he could get her past this "broken record".   

"Mother! I KNOW that man holding the can of pork-n-beans! I have his phone number on speed dial!"

(Look of utter shock)...“How could YOU know the pork-n-bean man?" 

“Well, (think fast) I, uh, think he lives in Griffin, and I think I have his number on my cell phone!" 

(Skeptical stare)..."Okay....."  (God forgive me. )

I called my brother.  By now, he knows to just go along with whatever I say.  He answered and I immediately said, “Were you at the exit holding a can of pork-n-beans?”

(ULTRA long pause)..."Sure."

"Mother says we passed you about a half mile back on the interstate.  Were you holding a can of pork-n-beans? "

"Sure."

"Will you talk to her?" 

“Sure.” (I thought I heard a chuckle.)

I handed the phone to Mother. 

“Hello?????", she said loudly.  "Are YOU the man standing at the exit holding a can of pork-n-beans?"

“Sure.” 

“Will you PLEASE tell Ann how to get to Virgina?”

“Sure.”

Mother hands the phone to my sister.  She switches to speaker phone.

“HELLO!" said Ann. "I hear you know the way to Virginia!  You want to give me directions?  (My sister could hardly drive and her husband could hardly hold his head up for laughing.  My chest is going up and down... and tears are running down my cheeks from laughter.)

There’s a long silence..... “Sure." (Pause.) Go about a thousand miles then turn right."

"Thanks!!!!  Goodbye!!"

This fiasco wasn't nearly over.  We still had six more hours to hear about the "man with the pork-n-beans and Mother was sure this man was standing at every exit for the entire trip!!!!! It was as if Jay Busch had turned into a supper hero who was able to fly to each exit with a single bound.  She spent the rest of the trip looking out the window, watching for this super hero with the can of pork-n-beans.  We were saying..."It's a bird, no it's a plane, no it's Super Pork-N-Bean Man."  The entire conversation was replayed like a loop as we passed every single exit.  Maybe in Mother's mind she really did see Jay Busch, the Pork-n-bean man.

When we FINALLY arrived at our hotel, I got Mother out of the car and into the hotel room as quickly as possible.  I got her comfortable and told her to rest because we would be going to the rehearsal dinner soon.  All of a sudden, she sat straight up in bed and said.  “ I’m NOT spending the night here tonight!!!  I’m going home!” 

“No Mother! You’re not going home.  We didn’t drive THIS far to miss your granddaughter’s wedding. Look!  You have a beautiful dress to wear!  NOW LAY DOWN!" 

“Okay.  But will you sleep with me tonight?"

"What?"

"I'll pay you five dollars to sleep with me!"  (That got my attention..)

"Where would you get five dollars?"

"I'll borrow it from you!!"

"I want you to sleep with me because I'm afraid!!!!   I want to go home!"

“Mother, I’ll be on this bed right here next to you. So don’t be afraid.  Let's trust God to take care of us, okay?  God has a huge blessing waiting for you, but you have to claim it.  Don't let your fears keep you from enjoying this beautiful blessing." 

She stared with complete silence as if she was thinking about what she was going to do.  Then she smiled and said.  "Will you help me get ready?"

"Of course I will."

It’s easy to laugh at a story like this, but each of us deals with fear. The Bible tells us 365 times not to be afraid. (One for every day of the year.) So use up today's ‘don’t be afraid' before the day is over. I need to remember this in my own life.  I have to get back to making dinner.  Guess what we're having?.......
 
                                
 "When I am afraid I will put my trust in thee." Psalm 56: 3

 My niece's beautiful wedding in Virgina.




Monday, June 27, 2011

What's that banging noise?

I can't read the greeting cards with all that banging!

"Where are my shoes?" 

“They’re in the garage.....where they live.”  Mother is looking at me with a blank stare.

I’ve told her a thousand times that the shoes live in the garage, but for some reason she can’t get that concept.  I have taken her on a tour of their house, checking out each pair, but the questions continue like clockwork every time we get ready to leave the house.

It's easier for me to choose the pair she'll be wearing and put them in the car.  This way, she can slide her feet right in.  I really believe this clever and ingenious method is quite helpful!  

I help Mother out to the garage and into the car and she sees her shoes and she says, “My shoes are in the car.   I thought you said the shoes live in their house!!”

“They do, but I have them waiting for you in the car.”

“Okay.."

After she's sitting in the car I take her house slippers off her feet and slip her shoes on.  As soon as her feet slide in, she immediately bends down to untie the decorative laces.   

"Mother you don’t need to untie the laces. They're just for looks."  She ignores me.  When she briefly comes up for air, I quickly put on her seat belt and sprint to the driver's side.  

Before we get out of the subdivision she says, “I forgot my pocketbook!”.

“No, you didn’t forget your purse."

“Is it in the back seat?”

“NO." You didn't bring your purse.  

“How will I buy anything?” 

“I’ll buy you whatever you want.” 

"I need to go to the bank.”

“Why do you need to go to the bank?”

“To GET SOME MONEY!"   She’s looking at me like I'm nuts.

“I’ll give you money.  What do you want to buy?”

“I don’t know.”

“If you see anything you want, I’ll buy it.”

“Okay.”

The questions continue...... 

As we stopped at a traffic light, there was a lady holding an umbrella standing on the corner …

“Why is that lady holding an umbrella?.....  It’s not raining.”

"Maybe she doesn’t want the sun shining on her.”

“Why?” 

“I don’t know..."  (Why IS that lady holding an umbrella?)

“Look at all those cars.  I wonder what’s going on over there.”

“That’s a car lot.  Those cars are for sale."

“That must be a BIG sale!”

“Where are we going?”

“Different places.”

“What will we do?”

“Different things.”

"How do you know where to go?"

“I live here.”

“You’re a good driver.”

“Thanks.”

On this particular day, one of the places on my list was the Family Christian Bookstore.  All I needed was one little greeting card.  The weather was perfect, so I decided to leave Mother in the car.  She's usually fine if my errands take just a few minutes...

 I rolled the windows down halfway and said, “Mother, stay in the car.  I will be back in five minutes!”

She nodded...(staring at her shoe laces).

Just before I got out of the car she said, “What are you doing in there?”.

“I’m buying a card for a friend.  Stay right here, ok?"

“Alright.”

I dashed into the store going straight for my favorite section- the Max Lucado inspirational cards!  Now you can't really purchase a greeting card without picking each one up and reading the inside.  You have to make sure you pick a card with the perfect sentiments.  So I began reading each one.  They were really touching!  Some made me laugh.  Others made me cry.  Of course, it was helpful to hear beautiful background music as I read each and every card.

Suddenly, my inspirational reverie was rudely interrupted by a vague banging noise in the background.  What was that?  I looked around, shrugged my shoulders, and went back to reading.  A second later, I heard the banging noise again.  This time, I could overhear some of the employees.  They were talking about an elderly lady who was banging on the window trying to get in the store.

Reverie OVER!  Alarms were going off in my brain!  I bet that banging is my Mom.

I dropped the card and ran to the front of the store.  There was my mother!!....Oh my stars!  I had gone past the allotted "five minutes".  Mother had managed to open the car door (I forgot to lock the car).....walk across the parking area....step up a curb.....and walk to the window of the store!  She couldn't find the front door.  So she went up to the glass and started banging on it.  It was a miracle that she was able to do this without falling! God must have sent an angel to help her walk in to the store. (I'd love to view the security surveillance camera.)

I quickly took her by the hand and escorted her inside the store- making sure to avoid eye contact with the employees.  By now several people were wondering what was happening.

“Mother, what are you doing?  It's a miracle you didn't fall!  Why didn't you stay in the car like I asked you to do?"

“I wanted to buy a card too!”

"I'm sorry", she said.  For a moment, she sounded just like a little girl sorry for doing the wrong thing.

“You’ve got to trust me to know what's best for you. I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm so thankful that God protected you from falling." 

All the way home she said, “I’m sorry for not staying in the car."

As she kept telling me how sorry she was, all I could think about was how often I have disobeyed what I knew God was asking me to do. Boy was I wrong!  In my life, I have learned that our obedience to God brings protection, peace, joy, and contentment. The more I trust and obey, the sweeter He becomes in my life.  How about you?  Do you trust and obey the One who has your best interest in mind?  He loves you and your loved ones more than you know.

As I walked in the door of my house, I realized Mother was still sitting in the car....trying to tie the decorative shoe laces.  I got her in the house.  Then I went online...to purchase some greeting cards.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5



Saturday, June 25, 2011

Just take the pill!

 "I'm NOT going to take that pill!"

Mother fell.  I was abruptly awakened from a deep sleep by a loud groaning.  When I realized she had fallen, I rushed to her room.  She was on her knees holding on to the foot of the bed. She couldn’t get up.  With all my might, I lifted her up and managed to help her get back in bed.  She couldn’t tell me how she fell, but I suspect she tripped and reached out for the nearest piece of furniture-which was the foot of her bed.

She's fallen other times.  But with each fall, God has miraculously spared her. This fall was different.  It cracked her sternum.  The doctor was shocked she was still alive.  “Someone is certainly watching over your mom.  A cracked sternum usually shatters".  He went on to explain that, for elderly people, a cracked sternum is not exactly easy to repair.  In fact, it's a condition my mother will now have to live with.   “I’m amazed it didn’t take her out, Carol."  He said someone up there must be watching over her (God) and He's not finished with her yet! He suggested I give her Tylenol every four hours - or as needed- for pain.

“Thanks”, I said, holding back the tears. All I could do was thank God for one more day.  She has been a blessing in my life.... It helps to laugh each day, even reminisce, about the funny things that have happened.  I remember one time she fell right on top of me!  I cushioned her fall.  She slowly landed on top of me...on the floor.  One time, I caught her going round and round in a circle.  That one would have been a YouTube sensation. The way she was twirling around, I told her she might enjoy ballroom dancing lessons. 

The morning after this particular fall, I looked for bruises, checked her eyes, her color and pulse.  I rushed in the kitchen, got a glass of water and one Tylenol.

Now I can’t explain why, but she has some kind of phobia about taking what she calls "drugs".  I have tried to explain that it’s okay to take pain medicine WHEN YOU’RE IN PAIN, but she still refuses. 

“Mother I want you to take this Tylenol”.  I held the bottle really close to her eyes so she could see the label.

“No!  I will NOT take drugs!” (big sigh)..

“Come on Mother”,  I pleaded.  “It’s going to help you.”

“NO!” 

I actually tried just pushing it down her throat, but her mouth was closed tighter than Fort Knox.   

Exasperated, I walked out of the room. A few minutes later I came back in to check on her.

“How do you feel?”

“I’m okay”,  she said.  

"Do you feel like going to church?”

“YES!  I want to go to church.”

“Okay!”  That’s good, I thought. If she had broken anything she wouldn’t be getting out of the bed. 

I got her all dolled up for church.  As my friend says… “We girls must look stunning.”  I got ready, then proceeded to get her ready...(shower, shampoo, dentures, hair, make-up, clothes, flower on lapel, jewelry, breakfast.....and MEDS...) 

That's it!... I thought. That’s how I’ll get the Tylenol down her throat. It will be in the bowl with her other meds!  She doesn’t think twice about taking 10 pills.  Sometimes, she counts them.  But hopefully today she won’t count.  I slipped the little pill in the bowl and after her favorite breakfast (muffins with peaches) the pill went right down the hatch with the others. 

Mission accomplished.

That pill helped her through church.  In fact, it lasted all day. 

Then it was 7:00P that night.  She was in pain again. Uh oh.  What was I going to do?  Suddenly, I  remembered!!! I have a doctor on staff!  Faster than a speeding bullet, I got out my white coat, pinned my hair back, and walked into the room. Mother was groaning and holding her chest. 

“Hello Mrs. Dot, I’m Dr. Mom.  Carol tells me you’re having a lot of pain?"

“YES!  It’s right here!" She was looking at me with a skeptical stare.

“Where does it hurt?”

“Right here!” 

"I recommend you take one Tylenol, as needed, for pain and discomfort.  Feel free to call me in the morning if you need anything else, ok?"

Exit Dr. Mom.  Enter Carol.

“So what did the doctor say?”

“He said to take one of those pills.  But I’m NOT taking it!” 

Oh good grief.  I decided to call in the reinforcement... MY SISTER.

I quickly dialed my sister.  “Mother is refusing to take one Tylenol", I said.  I gave the phone to Mother.

"Mother, Ann wants to talk to you.” 

I put Ann on speaker phone and she said in a very loud voice,  "MOTHER, TAKE THAT BLASTED PILL RIGHT NOW!" 

I’m holding the pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other hand.

Horrified, I watched as my mother started to press her lips REALLY tight.  Fort Knox was on "lock down". 

“Mother, PLEASE take the pill!” (Why was she refusing something that could help her?)

At this point, Ann and I are chanting in unison, “TAKE THE PILL! TAKE THE PILL! TAKE THE PILL!"

“OKAY! OKAY!  I’ll take the pill!"  She took the pill in her trembling hand and slowly (and I mean very slowly) brought the pill up to her mouth.  With a HUGE grimace on her face and her eyes closed tightly, the two ton door at Fort Knox opened and the pill was "deposited into the treasury". 

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

"Forget it."  She wasn't talking to me. 

Later that night she said, “I don’t think you love me.”

"Mother, why would you say something like that?” 

“You made me take drugs.”

“I love you and everything I do is in your best interest!” 

Where have I heard that before?  God tells us the same thing.  He's always concerned with our best interest...even if we don't understand the master plan.  Sometimes, our human perceptions get in the way of our eternal perceptions.  Are you "choking down" the lessons God is teaching you?  Are you pursing your lips?  We all do.  As I watched my mother refuse that little helpful pill, I realized that in my own life, I need to uncross my arms and trust God more.   God has MY best interest in mind - even though I don't always understand what He's doing.

Tomorrow morning when Mother wakes up, I'll have to give her another Tylenol.  I'm sure she'll refuse.  We might even argue about it.  Who knows how I'll get her to take that pill?  But I know I'll be smiling the whole time.  Because I'll be glad just to have one more day with her.  

Maybe you’re asking that same question.  Why would God let this happen to my parent?  Just trust your loving heavenly Father with every detail.  God has a master plan.  He loves you with an everlasting love..just trust Him.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;” Jeremiah 31: 3







Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I Said, "AMEN!"

 "This is NOT my home!!!!  My home has a tree in the front yard!!"

Yesterday, I had one of those days.  I kept thinking that I needed to share my day with other caregivers, because I know you'll relate.

Let me stop here and tell you that Tuesday is my pray and fast day for my ministry. I’m not only a full time caregiver to my Mom, I'm also a full time missionary with a worldwide mission organization reaching over a million children every year with the Gospel of Christ.  I’m Director of my county and my job is to recruit churches to adopt their local public schools to have a once a week, hour and a half Good News Club.  

Now you’re probably wondering how I can take care of my Mom and have a ministry at the same time. Let me explain.  My office is in my home, so I can work anytime.  Also, I have people around me who are kind enough to help when I'm in a "pinch".  There is the sweet lady who lives across the street and is available whenever I need her.  Then there is Sarah Care, an adult day care facility.  And my sister is my back-up if I need one.  It's important to have a network...because it's important to take breaks. 

I'm learning to take one day at a time with my Mom, and I try to do the best I can with whatever comes my way.  God is my helper and He gives me the strength I need when I feel overloaded.  


It just so happens that yesterday I REALLY needed extra strength. I got up at 7:00A and got ready for the day.  I got Mother up at 8:00A and got her ready for the day....( showered, dressed, teeth in, breakfast, meds)....

It all started going downhill after breakfast while I was cleaning the kitchen.  Mother was SURE she was late for school. I assured her that I had called the school to let them know she would not be coming. I thought it was settled, so I continued cleaning up the kitchen. I started a load of clothes. Then, I heard her turning the doorknob. (Remember I have a bell on my doorknob.)  

“Mother, what are you doing?” 

“I’m going home.” 

Not again!!!  This can’t be happening again, I thought.

As she was waving to the neighbor (who was not there), a man came to the door. 

Ah Ha!...mother probably thought.  I can escape!

The Arrow Pest Control man was at the door to inspect the house for termites.  When I opened the door, Mother took the opportunity to escape...just like a little dog seeking it's freedom. Before I knew it, she was on the porch telling him that she lived across the street.  "Would you help me get home?"

I’m standing behind Mother waving at him with a silent, “NO!” 

He had a puzzled look, then he shrugged and proceeded to ask me if I needed him to inspect HER house as well (the one she supposedly lives in across the street).

“NO!  Just my house!  "She lives with me!" My face sobered and I quietly said, “You know dementia.”

“Yeah, Yeah, I get it.”,  he answered.  "My Grandmother had that before she died. She was mean as a snake.” He began to tell me some of the things she would do and say.  She even threatened his life!

I stopped him and said, “Okay okay. I understand.” I was thankful I didn’t have anything like that (although I had just threatened HER life if she even started to move off that porch).  Thank goodness she was waiting patiently. I told her as soon as he finished checking for termites that I would take her home. 

She asked, “What are termites?”. 

 “Bugs.”

“We have bugs???”,  she hollered. “Well PRAISE GOD I’m leaving THIS place!!!!”  

“Not the kind of bugs you’re thinking about,” I assured her.  “These bugs eat wood -not people.”  I think she understood, although she looked a little confused. 

I had the door slightly open.  I watched through the window as she waited for the man to leave. Again I said, “Mother come in the house.  It’s too hot out there.”... 

“NO!”  “I’m staying right here!!!!”
This was one of those broken records that had the potential of lasting for hours, so I decided to just go with it.

When the man left, I got her walker and said, “LET'S GO!”  You guessed it...she headed for the house across the street.  But when she got close to the house, she unexpectedly turned right.  She didn’t go to the house she'd been looking at and pointing to day after day!  What WAS she thinking? 

My next door neighbor named Carol (her mom’s name is also Dot, her dog is named Katie- like my granddaughter. I don’t dare mention any of this to Mother because it’s confusing even for me) asked if I needed any help.

 “YES!  That would be great!"..  (She was sent by God.)

I realized I needed the wheelchair to get Mother back to the house because she was getting tired.. and I knew she wouldn’t have the energy to walk back home in the heat.  My neighbor continued to ask Mother about her house, while I dashed back to the garage.

I got the wheelchair...came up behind Mother and sat her down speedy quick.  This time, she didn’t refuse.  I pushed her back home while my neighbor walked along side saying, “That’s looks like your house over there with the two rockers on the front porch and the tree out front.”  

Mother was nodding (glassy-eyed at this point).

I pushed Mother up to the garage, went around through the front door, opened the garage door from the house, and said with a VERY excited voice, “THERE YOU ARE!  I’ve been looking everywhere for you!"... Mother’s face had a big smile and she said, "Praise God I’m home!".  I helped her in the house, gave her some cold water, and listened as she kept thanking my neighbor for helping her find her way home. 

With a big smile she said, “Thank God I’m home.  That OTHER girl wouldn’t let me go home!"..(ugh)

 I told her that the next time I see that "other girl", I’d have a good long talk with her! The NERVE!  (Sometimes even I wonder who I am!)

Before she went to sleep, she prayed for the wart on her chest (she meant the sore muscle in her chest bone when she pulled her muscle on Sunday morning....thank God it was nothing serious).  Then she prayed for the corn on her toe (I think she meant the corn on the cob we had for dinner.  She has no corn on her toe).  Then she said the sweetest thing,  “Dear Lord, Thank you for sending that kind lady to help me find my way home.  And one more thing, Carol loves You, and You love her. Help her with everything she has to do."  "Amen.” 

And I said… "AMEN!"

"This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

  

Monday, June 20, 2011

I Want to Talk To Mama!

I stared at the sunset...talking with my mother....

With dementia patients, there comes a time when they will want to talk to a mom, dad...or any loved one from long ago.  Of course, this is not an option.  Usually, their immediate loved ones died years ago.  They just can't remember. Mother is 90 years old.  She has actually outlived everyone in her immediate family. But that longing to talk to her Mama....to go home.... grows deeper with each passing year.

It can be difficult to handle. Do you ignore it?  Or do you tell the truth? Five years ago, at the beginning of this journey, I started out by naively telling her the truth....just KNOWING my mother would eventually understand.  Every time, we'd argue endlessly about the facts (remember the 21 questions?). 

One day, exasperated, I met with my pastor.  “Carol she’s not going to remember anything.  You can't spend every day trying to give back what she's lost.  Instead of looking for what's lost, why don't you see what you can find?"  On that day, I went away teary eyed saying, “Oh yes she will remember!  I will MAKE her remember!"

But you know what?  Since then, I’ve had to let go of my expectations... because I have seen this thing called "dementia" rise up like a tornado.  It leaves a path of scattered memories that are impossible to put back together.  All the memories, like debris, are still there.  But their order has turned to chaos.

In the years Mother has been living with me, she has repeatedly asked the same question countless times.  This is how our conversations used to go: 

"Can you call my Mama?"  -  "She died."
"I can’t believe it!"  - "It’s true." (starts crying.)
"When did she die?"  -  "1968." (continues to cry.)
"How did she die?"  - "A heart attack." - (continues to cry.)
"Why wasn’t I there?" - "You were."  (bent over crying.)
"Why didn’t I go to the funeral?" - "You did." (blowing nose.)
"It can’t be true!"  "I don’t remember what you’re talking about." 

"It’s true, Mother. I was there." (Now, I'm crying too.)

I would take her to the cemetery to see the graves.  I even made pictures to prove to her that her Mama had indeed died.  I would show her the pictures on my computer.  But by the time she would see the pictures on my computer, she wouldn’t say anything.  It was like her brain could not compute...or she had already forgotten.      

On one occasion, I called my grandmother’s old phone number and someone actually answered.  Without hesitating, my Mother started asking question after question.  I could only imagine what this total stranger on the other end of the phone was thinking.  I should have picked up the other phone line just to listen in.  But maybe part of me was hoping the voice on the other end WAS my grandmother.  I miss talking to her too. 

A few months ago, Mother was once more asking the on-going question,  "Can you call my Mama?"...

This time I thought, “Sure, why not!”  Reality sure hadn't been working.  So I decided to get creative.  I would call myself.  I would actually become HER mother on the phone!  I clearly remember my Grandmother and all the stories Mother used to tell about her childhood days.  Why not reminiscence about the days gone by?  I gave her my home phone while I called my cellphone.  I walked out onto my porch, sat on a bench staring into the sunset, and talked to my Mother.

The conversation went something like this:

"Hello, Is this Mama?"
"Is this Dorothy?"
"Yes this is Dorothy!  I can’t believe I’m finally talking to you. I have missed you so much. Where are you?"
"I’m in Griffin!"
"I didn’t know you were in Griffin!"
"Yes, I still live in my old house.  In fact I’m sitting in the swing on the front porch right now eating ice cream."
"I wish I was on the porch with you!"
"Next time you come to Griffin, come by and see me.  Are you still living with Carol?"
"Yes."
"Tell Carol I said, hello."  (tears in my eyes..)
"Hold on, let me tell Carol you said, 'Hello.'"  (She laid the phone down and hollowed loudly, Carol!
I laid my phone down and answered, “Yes!”)
"Mama says 'Hello'."
"Tell her I said, 'Hello'."  
(I run back to the garage and pick up the phone.)
 "Mama, Carol said, 'Hello.'".
 "I miss you and Carol. Do you remember that delicious homemade peach ice cream we would make on summer nights?"
"Yes.  I loved it." 
 "I loved it too, but I’ve got to go because I’m cooking dinner....all your favorite foods.....roast beef and mashed potatoes, string beans, and homemade biscuits."
"That sounds good. Maybe we can come this weekend.  I’ll ask Carol if we can come home. I love you."
"I love you too."

Goodbye......... (Now I'm the one grieving.)

Of course, the next day she forgot the conversation.  But for that one moment, my mother was happy. She does remember that I have a connection to her Mama. When she’s feeling a little anxious she will say, “I need to talk to Mama.”  I call myself and we'll talk for a while.  She's even taken to calling me "Mama". 

I have seen so many dementia patients in nursing homes grieving over the loss of their loved ones.  Every dose of "reality" brings them nothing but more grief and sorrow.  Who knows what a simple phone call might accomplish?  As a caregiver, you’re not dealing with a constructed reality.  Remember the tornado?  Reality left years ago....

Tonight...all alone on my front porch...I talked with my grandmother.  I told her that I missed her.  I know she heard me.  Maybe my pastor was right about this journey.  I did find something.  I found MY memories.  But tonight I'm wondering if it's more painful to forget...or to remember. 

God knows my pain and He will be with me in my journey.

“Jesus said, "I will never leave you or forsake you, so we can say with confidence that, The Lord is my helper I will not fear." Hebrews 13:5,6.  











Sunday, June 19, 2011

Just Turnaround!

 Just submit....
There's a longing in the heart of Dementia patients to go home.  Whatever memories, ever so few, draw them back to home.  Not necessarily a real house, but a place in the heart where love once bloomed and children were born and nurtured.  Whether it was their childhood home, or the first house that became a home, it is a powerful longing.

Mother’s longing to "go home" was getting worse and worse. She would stand at the front door and try to leave.  She would wave at my neighbor across the street and bang on the widow panel on the side of the front door and holler very loudly, “Help! Help! Help!" ..."Somebody please help me.... I want to go home!”  If ONLY she had Dorothy’s ruby red shoes!  She would be able to click her heels twice and say, “There’s no place like home.” She could be home before dinner  But no shoes....no home.  

Oh well....One night (recently), I'd had it.  I said to myself, “That's it... she’s going home tonight!"  She was turning the doorknob and the little bell kept ringing and ringing. (I have a bell on the doorknob to let me know if she’s trying to escape.  I also have a security system that chirps when the door opens.)

I  took her by the hand and said, “Tonight you're going home.”  I got her walker, opened the garage door, and helped her down the driveway and into the street.

Let me explain....  There’s only one street in our subdivision and it was after dark with street lights, so I didn’t think it was extremely dangerous.

She was walking fast....looking left and right.  She was intent on going home.  To keep up with her, I had to maintain a quick pace.  I had no idea she could walk so fast!

I asked her if she knew where she was going.....“Yes!” 

“Okay.” 

“What does the house look like?”    

“It’s got two rockers on the front porch.” (Hmm, that sounds familiar.)

I pointed and exclaimed, “There’s a house with two rockers on the front porch!”

“Nope, that’s not it....  That house doesn’t have a TREE in the front yard.” (Wow, she remembered the tree.) 

She stopped to look at one house and said, 'I think this is where I live.'.... 

 “No, I know the people who live there.....  Let’s turn around and go in another direction and see if we can find it." 

“No. I’m not turning around!"  I couldn't believe I had to wait for her to decide.  Nevertheless, I waited for her to make up her mind and turn around.  

As I’m telling this story, I’m reminded of a great illustration that I observed while I was visiting my little granddaughter in AZ....(Indulge me for a moment)......

My Granddaughter is a Hunter/Jumper and I was invited to come out to the stables and watch her riding lesson.  It’s always fun (unless it’s 100 degrees).  But at 7:00 p.m. it cools down to 89 degrees with a nice warm breeze.

I watched Katie chain her horse to the grooming area. She put on the blanket, the saddle, and bridle and led her horse out to the arena where she was to practice jumping.  But apparently, her horse had no intentions of jumping.  So Katie calmly got off the horse, led her to the turnaround, closed the gate, and stood in the middle with a whip.  At this point, I’m thinking, "What’s going on?"...

The trainer explained, "The horse has not submitted to Katie....Until that happens, the horse cannot be trained to do the proper jumps."...  Then I asked about the whip.  “The whip represents who is in control....she doesn’t hit the horse ...only the ground.”

"What will happen?"

“Eventually the horse will stop running, lower her head to Katie, and they can get on with the jumps."

Picture this.  Katie, age 10, is in the middle of this turn out.  The horse is galloping in a wild fury.... going round and round, faster and faster in a huge cloud of dust.  As the horse went flying around, the dust was getting all over me.  Katie was calmly standing in a cloud of dust!  Then the horse abruptly turned around and went faster and faster in the other direction kicking and bucking! All I could think was, "What if the horse decides to run right in to Katie?"....It could be dangerous!  But Katie stood firm;  cracked the whip on the dirt a few times... and remained calm and steadfast...waiting for the horse to surrender.

This went on for 15 minutes and I was beginning to wonder when this "revelation" might take place. I asked the trainer, "How long is this going to take?"....  She said, “It all depends on the horse.”

“What if a horse never submits?”,  I asked.

She said, “Then the horse can never be trained..... the horse has to submit to it's rider, and when a horse is fully trained, all you have to do is slap your leg and his mind goes right back to the turnaround."...

Eventually, it happened.  It brought tears to my eyes.  The horse DID stop running and slowly walked over to Katie and lowered her head.   She reached up and hugged her (the horse's name is Jasmine).  They walked out together.  She climbed on Jasmine, and they went through their jumping course like champions.

When the work was over, Katie took off the bridle, saddle, and blanket...put Jasmine into the stall, and surprisingly, her horse DID NOT want her to leave! Katie hugged her over and over...Her horse was still watching her when we left.  They'd obviously made some type of deep connection in the turnaround.

I don’t know about you, but I could relate to the "turnaround".  There have been times in my life that I have been in the "turnaround".  When I first came to Christ for salvation...When I submitted my will in every area of my life...When I made the decision to get out of the boat, and trust Christ with my finances.  How about you?  Can you relate to the "turnaround"?  What a picture.  Christ has wonderful things planned for us in our life that we can’t even imagine..But He has to take us to the "turnaround", because we must be in total submission to His will before we can go a step further.

Now back to my story.  My mother finally agreed to "turn around" ...she was focused on finding her way home.  She looked left.  She looked right. She was determined to go home.  We were now approaching our house.  She stopped and said, “There’s a house with two rockers on the front porch.”...“It has a tree in the yard!!!!” 

“I think you’re right!”  

“That’s my house!”  She turned the walker (with a little help), and walked up the driveway...into the house that we had left only 15 minutes earlier. 

She walked in the door and said," Praise God, I’m Home!”.  She noticed her little bear sitting on the stairs. (It’s been sitting there for over a year...By the way the bear sings, “It’s a wonderful life.”)  I pushed the button and the bear started singing.  I was almost expecting to hear the little birds singing.  Mother was praising God that she'd found her house. She called my sister to tell her the good news and we all rejoiced.   

Since that day, she occasionally asks, “Can I go home?”  And then she says, “Oh yeah, we are home!”

The broken record was resolved and she was able to get past the anxiety and have a peaceful night’s rest. Remember Caregivers, don’t argue, don’t get upset, and don’t go to the "turnaround".  Just take a little walk in the right direction, and you’ll feel better in the morning.
“Be anxious for nothing…” Philippians 4:6

Are you in the "turnaround"?  Are YOU out of control?  Give up.  Submit to God.  He has a great plan for you.  But he ..like my precious little granddaughter....will patiently wait for you.  He will stand in the middle of your life...and wait for you to lower your head...and pray.....And tonight...I will patiently pray for you (whoever you are)......
 My granddaughter....jumping her horse, Jasmine.















Friday, June 17, 2011

Dr. Mom Makes a Visit

"I'm dying..and you'll be sorry!!"

As a caregiver, I am becoming  many people to my Mother.  Sometimes even I don't know who I am.  She calls me her Mama, her sister, her friend, and she’s always talking to me about me.  But the day I became her doctor was a day I’ll never forget.  Here’s the story.

It was Sunday morning and Mother and I were sitting in church listening to the Pastor’s message when all of a sudden I hear her say, “Ohoooooo!” with a groaning sound.

I immediately whispered, “Mother, what’s wrong?” 

"I have a sharp pain in my stomach!", she said. 

A few minutes later, Mother was groaning more loudly and people were glancing around.  I noticed she was holding the waistband of her pants really far out to relieve the pressure on her stomach.  In an effort to help, I reached behind her back and quickly loosened her bra.  (Remember, all this is taking place in the middle of the Pastor’s message.) 

All of a sudden, she groaned even more loudly, “Ohooooooo!”   

I whispered in her ear, "You have GOT to stop making noises!”.  By now, people were looking around wondering where these groaning sounds were coming from.

Finally, church was over and a sweet friend asked us out to lunch.  I said yes, and I put Mother into the wheelchair rolled her to the car, and we were off to the restaurant.

On the way I asked her if she was okay.  “No, I’m dying.”

“Why do you think you’re dying?"  "You don’t look like you’re dying."

She said adamantly, "I have this pain in my stomach and I need a doctor.”  "If I die, you’ll be sorry!"

Now if she had been REALLY sick, I would have had her in the ER.  But I felt this one was okay. 

We went to the restaurant and had a nice meal.  All Mother did was pick at her food and make groaning sounds.  She was actually ready to go before we even got there.  "It’s been nice seeing you, but we have to go.”  (This has been her signature sentence ever since I can remember.)  Maybe that’s a southern lady’s exit line.

I shoveled in my food as quickly as I could and we left.  All the way home she groaned and said, “I need to see a doctor.”
 
I told her I would call the doctor and see if one could make a house call.  (Think about that for a minute.  Have you ever heard of a doctor making a house call on Sunday?... or for that matter, ANY day of the week? I think that ended in the 50's.) 

When we got home, I called my friend who is a nurse and asked what side the appendix is on and she said, “It’s the right side.”  I told her that Mother’s pain was the left side and we both had the same idea.

I changed Mother’s clothes to loose casual clothes and put her to bed.  All the while she continued to say, “I need a doctor."  "I’m dying!”

I ran and got my white jacket from the closet and casually walked back into the room.

"Good afternoon Ms. Patient, I’m 'Doctor Mom' and I hear you’re having some pain?"

“Yes, it’s right here.” 

“Let me see....When I push here, does it hurt? 

“No.”

“Does it hurt here?” 

“Ouch, Ohoooo!" 

"I think I have found the problem."  "You have an acute intestinal problem so I’m writing you a prescription."  "I would like you to take one pill as needed."

"Now I need you to lay on your left side and rest for the afternoon."  "You should feel better in the morning." 

“Doctor, do you think I’ll live?” 

“Yes, you’ll be fine."  "Just call me anytime you have a problem." 

“Thank you for coming.”,  she said. 

“No problem."  "Just call me anytime.”

Exit Doctor.  Enter Carol.  "So what did the doctor say?" 

She told me word for word, and I gave her one little pill.  The next morning everything (shall we say) "came out" okay.

Let me say, that I am careful to take her to the doctor or the ER when needed, but if I can resolve the problem with a laxative or I can relieve her anxiety so she will relax and feel better I have accomplished my goal.  She is always in my prayers and as any caring caregiver, I will do the best of my ability to take care of my sweet Mom.

Hang in there all you caregivers and be encouraged.  This time will not last forever.  Take one day at a time, and be thankful for each day. “This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Now go read two verses...and call me in the morning :)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

21 Questions

 "Where are all these people going?".....

Most people go through their day being asked a question or two.  How are you doing?  How's everything going? How's your family?  Questions that we answer and go on our way.  But for loved ones who have dementia, it's a different story.  They are constantly processing information because their memory bank is being depleted. As a caregiver, I can get frustrated or I can calmly answer each question with some humor.
 
I thought I would give you a run down of some of our conversations.

For the past two nights, we have been visiting with my sister and her daughter and son-in-law from VA. They  have a precious little baby girl.  Mother, of course, will ask me "Where is our baby?"...  I told her a friend is baby sitting. 

"Who are these people?"  "Your family." 

"Where is my brother?" (He died 40 years ago.)  "He's in Griffin."

"Where is my Mama?"  (She died 44 years ago.)  "She's in Griffin."

"When are we going home?"  "When we finish eating."

"What time is it?"  "10:00."

"Who are all these people?"  "They are your family."  "Mother, this is your great granddaughter."  "Let's make some pictures!" 

We are now in the car going home, and she is looking at the cars on the highway. 

"Look at all those cars."  "Who are they?"  "I don't know....  Only God knows."

"Where are they going?"   "They're going home like us." 

"They're going in the wrong direction."  "For them it's the right direction."

"Is this our house?"  "Yes."

"Are you sure?" "Yes I'm sure."

I quickly get her out of the car and lead her into the house.  I hurry to get her ready for bed.  She says,  "Where will I sleep?"  "In your room." 

"This is not my house!...This is somebody else's house!"
 
"Don't worry,  I know the owner and she said we could spend the night." 

"Where will you sleep?"  "In the other room." 

"Are you sure it's okay to sleep in someone else's house?"  "Yes, I know the owner...  We'll talk  in the morning."  "Go to sleep."  "It's late."

You know what?  I DO know the owner of the house...the REAL owner.  In fact, I know the owner of all creation.  And I know that He holds everything in His hands...including my mother's memories.  And He's the one that said we could sleep at His house tonight. 

I have often wondered who "all those people on the road" are myself.  What is their story?  I bet some of them are caregivers too.  I really don't know where all those people on the road were going, but I said a little prayer for them before I crawled in to bed.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Home at last

 "DEAR LORD!....Get me home!"

The caregiver (that's me, if you're wondering) got a break!  It was a great weekend. I went to AZ to see my wonderful family while my Mother stayed with my brother and his wife.  I read on my brother's Facebook that he was asking God for patience and he needed it NOW.  For their entire "72 hours", Mother was stuck on the usual 21 questions. Why am I here?  When am I leaving?  Where is the baby?  ....WAIT A MINUTE.....Where's the BABY?  Oh Lord...I thought that was over. 

They called me in AZ (about 21 times) to see if talking to Mother would help, but she was even more confused.  She was worried about.....  you guessed it...."the BABY"!  But today was the day for my brother and his wife to bring Mother to meet my sister at the airport to pick me up.

My sister-in-law said things would have been better if she had only had "the baby."  Oh well, I'm learning.

On the way home, my sister insisted that we stop by her house to see her daughter and son-in-law and their NEW BABY (a real baby in case you're confused) that's a few months old.  Oh no, I thought, a baby! I wondered what Mother would do.  This baby has a name... and a pulse!  

After talking to this REAL baby, Mother said, "I have a baby too!".   At that point I said, "I think it's time to go."  We headed for our house.  By now it was 10:00PM. 

All the way home, Mother prayed loudly, "Oh Lord please help me get home." 

"Mother, don't worry....we'll be home in a few minutes."

"This is not the way!"
"You need to turn around!"
"You're going the wrong way!"

"Okay."  I said.   

She started praying a little louder...  "O LORD!!! Please help me get home!!!!" 

My sister and I were laughing in the front seat talking about the trip when all of sudden there was all out shouting, "You two need to stop fooling around and DRIVE!"....  At this point, we both thought she might try to jump in the front seat and drive herself home. 

Needless to say, when we finally got home I quickly got her ready for bed.  I always take out her teeth and she always says the same thing.  "What happened to my teeth?" 

"Mother, your teeth are like the stars, they come out every night." 

She says, "Will they be back in the morning?" 

"Yes." 

She got in the bed.  I showed her the baby and told her the baby was sleeping with me.  We prayed together, and as usual and she was fast asleep before we finished.  She was happy to be home.

It's good to come home.  Home provides a place of comfort and rest...and I realize it's a haven.  I'm grateful to my brother and his wife for giving me a break...and now.... I'M going to sleep...(right after I flop that baby back up on the dresser).  Nighty night!

PS:  All comments are welcome!!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Have you seen the baby?

Where's the baby?
This is the repeating question I had heard for 72 hours straight.  Mother was very concerned.  Of couse there was no baby, but in her mind she was sure she had lost her baby and she was in what I call "broken record" mode.  The question continued over and over.  All of a sudden, I remembered that I had a baby doll in the garage that had been packed away!  This baby doll had been used as baby Jesus in Christmas plays for my angel ministry.  (That's another story for another time.)  I thought it over and quickly grabbed the baby doll, wrapped it in a blanket and gently carried to Mother.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let me start at the beginning.  My name is Carol.  As a result of a mini-stroke, my mother came to live with me five years ago.  Since that time, the degenerative disorder of dementia has slowly set in.  It has been rewarding, challenging, and at times, out-right humorous to experience.  In short, every day is an adventure.  My motto?  You might as well laugh about it.  Are there OTHERS like me?  I hope so.  I hope my stories will bring a little hope and laughter to my readers.  Now let's get back to this "baby story"....

"Mother, I found the baby!" .....

Mother's eyes begin to light up, and I gently placed the baby in her arms.  At least the questions ended for the time being.  Later that night, when she was in bed, I laid the baby next to her thinking she might like to sleep with the baby.

She smiled and said, "Yes!".

I carefully laid the baby next to her and she said a few baby talk words. I breathed a sigh of relief and went to my room thinking all was well with the world.  I laid in my bed wondering how she was doing with this new next addition to our family, so I decided to take a peek. To my surpise she was watching the baby with intensity. 

"How's it going with the baby?"  She looked concerned, "I'm afraid the baby is going to fall of the bed, or I might roll over on the baby during the night." 

Staring like a deer in headlights, I pondered how to respond. 

I went over and sat on the side of her bed and said, "Why don't I let the baby sleep with me?" 

She said, "That will be good."

I carefully picked up the baby in its blanket and took it to my room.  I carelessly flopped it on my tall chest of drawers and went to bed.  I got a good night's rest. 

The next morning I woke up early and was leisurely getting ready when she rushed into the bathroom.

"How could you put the baby on something so high!!!!!!!" she exclaimed.  "Don't you know she could fall and break her neck....and YOU would be responsible for the DEATH of this helpless little baby!  I'm surprised you would be so careless!"

I held the baby and told her I was sorry.  Boy, was I sorry.  I am currently looking for a crib on ebay.

Hensforth, it shall be called "the baby".  I'm afraid to name it.